I'm too nice of a person.
I care too much about others.
I care more about my friends' happiness than my own happiness.
Actually, I care more about everyone else's happiness than my own.
These things, in and of themselves, are not bad things. But they've started to become bad things in my life. I always jeopardize my own happiness for the happiness of others.
I do what others want to do because I want them to be happy. I'll give up important things in my life if it makes someone else happy. I step back if I find out that one of my friends happens to like the same guy I do, just because it'll make her upset if we both have feelings for him. I stay up all night giving advice because I want my friends to be happy. I'll provide a shoulder to cry on when anyone's upset.
But do you know what I'm getting out of all of this?
Nothing.
Not really, at least.
Do I get to do what I want to do? No. I'm missing out on things that are really important to me. I end up dating all the losers and jerks because I let my friends date the nice guys. I miss out on any shot of actually sleeping (which probably wouldn't happen anyway, since I'm an insomniac), and I end up adding someone else's problems onto my own. I end up with a wet shoulder and end up feeling horrible because there's usually nothing I can do to help.
I'm glad that I do honestly care about people.
But I hate- yes, I mean hate- getting the short end of the stick for everything.
Why can't I be happy? Why can't I do what I want to do? Why do I have to give up what's important to me? Why can't I date someone I actually like? Why can't I ask for advice? Why can't I cry on someone's shoulder?
It just doesn't seem fair sometimes. I don't want to stop being a nice person, but I don't want to risk losing my own happiness in the process...
Can't I just be selfish every once in a while?
And then, when I'm having a bad day and I just feel like ranting (but don't, usually), I might let some comment slip, or I'm not as happy and upbeat as normal, people think I'm depressed. I get messages and comments from certain people telling me that it makes them sad to see me like this.
Like what?
Having a bad day?
I'm sorry that I'm human. I do have bad days every once in a while, especially when I have to give up something (or someone) really important to me. Or if I had a bad day at home, or at work, or even at church. Or if I had a ton of homework due, or if my teacher was being an idiot, or if I didn't get a good grade on an assignment. Or if I spent the last however many nights listening to people rant about their parents, or the guy they like, or school, or whatever.
I'm sorry that I'm not perfect. I'm sorry that I care too much.
I'm only human.
But I really do think I'm going to work on this.
Yes, I'll still care, but I'm going to try to stop giving things up... At least things (and people) who are important to me.
We'll see how it works out, I guess.
Kelsey
